Non-Unique Pain Still Really F*cking Hurts

It's difficult knowing what's right. I know my pain is unique only because it's happening to me. The counselor side of me knows others go through this all over the world. They call it  intellectualizing, but I am so far unaware of better way to analyze a feeling. I let  myself  feel it and explore internally what I think I am supposed to gain from this lesson.  I was singing a cover of the Foreigner song "I Want to Know what Love Is," and I feel like as a young girl I asked this question of the universe and it granted my question by placing me in my current situation as an answer. This is love, that has been revealed to me, it is both everything I thought and nothing like I thought. I remember the good parts so vividly, even though I know the human brain plays tricks on you in hindsight.

I have gratitude that the good times were so good, because I can cherish those memories when my sweet husband, curses me out, demands, & orders me around. We had a talk and he started acting better.  The talk was based around the fact that his verbally abusive behavior only occurred when no one else was around. Two weeks spent with his family and 1 month with my mother revealed this phenomenon. It was shattering  to realize that my husband who  always had kind words for nearly everyone was taking the opportunity to say extremely fucked up shit to me under the guise of him "not being able to help it," due to his illness.
It's been a month since our talk and he hasn't been mean spirited.  I think sometimes he does things to punish me, but they usually backfire because he picks things like drinking an extra beer (or 2), waiting until  230AM to take his meds, and other things that mostly impact only his own quality of life.

I don't fight him on it because it gets worse if I do. He just digs in, rationale doesn't factor into it at all. He just gets loud and incomprehensible as he tries to make his point, but a side effect of HD is irritability and the inability to speak and that is going rapidly. Communication will have to change going forward  and I am nervous about how. There is so much unexpected awful in this disease.

But I also find unexpected moments of joy and utter surprise.  I was incredibly upset over the end of a cherished long term familial relationship. Although on most days he is distant and distracted-he was present and lucid with me that morning and it meant EVERYTHING,  because I thought the part where I can seek comfort from him, was over.

Yet, he held me back and let me cry and said kinds things to me and was emotionally present.  I cherish these things because they will not always be. So I have gratitude for these small moments where love reminds me that it's still here, still golden. In that moment the light hits his eyes and I can have no regrets.

Are you trying to get us Killed? Or I lost it

I yelled at Harry for touching and bringing packages without washing his hands. I was asleep so he did this and then proceeded to touch Who knows what else-until I awoke  2 hours later. He doesn't understand the magnitude of this Covid-19, but he is convinced that he does. I know it's not fair but I'm afraid that he is going to get us sick. I'm already worried that I could get us sick. I have never been more glad that we did not have kids to put at risk.
#caregiverblues

#notproud

#scared
#coronavirus

It's November 23rd 2019 and we are in a diner. H orders a WI omelet and it's almost funny watching  him eat as strings of cheese bow from his mouth to the plate. He looks quizzically, as though trying to decipher how he should proceed--and in that moment and moments like it it's a blast from the past, a flash in a pan. I see my Harry again. Then the moment passes and I  ask if it's ok to cut his food for him. And he thankfully relents and allows me to help him.

I know I am a young caregiver. Mostly because others keep *telling me* "What? But you're so young!"

I think when you marry, you know that you might one day be in a caregiver role of your spouse. My time just came early. The blessings in it is the ability to care for him and myself when I am in sound mind and body. And I have gratitude for that.  I am also glad we didn't have kids.
Children are great and I want mine to feel loved, not like a burden.  I knew I could dedicate myself to the complete care (dressing, cooking, medical appts etc.) of 1 person.
I know my husband well enough to know that he'd prefer it be our kid, so in the long run, care for him would suffer. And I would feel torn in two the whole time. It would be a hell of my own making.
Some people can raise children through the illness of a partner and I have to applaud them because admittedly I am too chickenshit to do so.

I love my husband and wouldn't give him up for anything...MOST days.