I found a blog that looked interesting, unfortunately the last time the author posted was in 2007, 5 YEARS ago.  I'm starting to get this eerie feeling as I check out links to other huntingtons blogs.  A lot of the posts were years ago and simply stop abruptly or the website host has sold the site.  It's starting to make me feel skin crawly, are these people dead? Have they abandoned hope? Or can they simply no longer function enough to maintain it.

The search continues...


I feel better today, it's probably a combination of talking with my mother, my pastor, and the anti-depressants.  I feel more present today. I told my mother yesterday that I wanted to have hope but I just couldn't, at least not yesterday.  I told her maybe tomorrow.

And oddly enough, I do feel better and maybe not hopeful, but not as hopeless---and I will take it!  It beats crying all the time and unleashing my vulnerability for all to see.

My mother says we should be using this time to enjoy each other and that I should live in the moment.  But how can I live in the moment, when every time my husband shows a symptom of HD I'm reminded of our limited future together.  Also, we have to prepare legal and financial stuff while he's well, you can't live solely in the moment while planning for the future--those are opposites.

Decisions about the future need to be made and this is the year, before he turns 40 in Sept.
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 In other news, why have at least three people made mention of me leaving my husband?  It's totally random and completely different perspectives.  HD sucks and going through this disease with my husband is one of the most agonizing things I've ever had to experience.  That said I know in my heart that if the tables were turned, he'd care for me in a second.  The idea that I could go off and live some happy, carefree life while my husband dies alone is appalling.  I'm sure once it gets really bad I probably will wish for a long vacation, but if I left I'd just be worried about him.

I've been having a hard time emotionally and people see me falling apart and make the tentative suggestion that I may not be strong enough to handle this.  And what's up with that--if one more person tells me "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."  I'm going to seriously go postal.  This ain't a Kelly Clarkson song. This is my life.

And what message does that send anyway?  If you can withstand the horror of the experience you can get through anything--but not if the experience leaves you fractured.  I'm pretty sure I'm never going to be the same after this experience.  I just don't know what will be left.

Ditching my husband at the beginning of his illness would be horrible, selfish, and callous and at the end of the day I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror everyday--and I just wouldn't be able to.


Harry is a great guy and I'm devastated by this disease, but I still absolutely believe it's worth it. I guess I really am better today--this almost sounds hopeful :)